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Question: I have been married for years now Allhumdillah. I have never entered my wife since she was very afraid of the pain no matter what we tried. She has made duas to Allah in tahajjud for years and Allah accepted it and we have a son due anyday now it is a miracle of Allah. Problem I have is my sexual desires I have been trying to control it for years now. before I marriage I was viewing pornography and masturbation which was extremely hard to let go off without having any means of satisfying even after marriage, I know this is a test from Allah but sometimes I admit I'm forced to masturbate, you know here in US everywhere you look you'll see women exposing themselves even if I put my gaze down. Sexual thoughts go through my mind and I say Astaghfiurullah when it comes. I was even thinking about getting nikah to a second wife secretly with witnesses without letting my wife know since I love her deeply and I know she will let me go if she finds out. So I'm really in need of help. Once the the baby is born I'm hoping she will let me enter but thats still months away and I'm not sure if she will or not. I really need help.

I empathize with your situation. My sincere advise to you is that you need not be unduly perturbed over your condition for, I believe, that you can definitely overcome this challenge with Allah’s help if only both of you are willing to take the necessary steps.

To clarify my point, let me state: Like all problems in life we must approach this problem in the right way. They say, ‘if there is a will there is a way’. In other words, if both of you have the will and determination, your problem can be solved.

The first step towards solving your marital problems is to seek professional counseling. Talk to your family physician; if he/she cannot help, let him/her refer you to the specialists in the field who may be able to help you out. Sexual challenge is no different from physical challenges. As Muslims we are advised to seek treatments and take medications in order to restore our emotional and physical health. The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, “O servants of Allah, take medications and treat yourself, for Allah has sent down a cure for each and every ailment.”

Your wife may be suffering from some phobias which may be due to her wrong conditioning; therefore, she definitely need help to overcome the phobia about penetration. You also need counseling in order to enable you to change your approach to sexual fulfillment due to the addiction to pornography you had been conditioned on prior to marriage. Your addiction to pornography was a habit you had formed; it took efforts on your part to form this habit; therefore, in order for you to break free of this habit, you need to resort to persistent action and visualization.
In other words, you need to reverse the process through repetition coupled with visualization. First, you should link this habit in your mind with pure pain, misery and pain suffering, and then convince yourself of the need to change just as you had convinced yourself in the past to link it with pure pleasure. After having changed the association of pornography in your mind with pain and misery, you will be able to break free of it, with the help of Allah.

Likewise, your wife somehow has been conditioned to link vaginal penetration with pain and blood; therefore, it takes imagination, visualization and persistent efforts on her part to change this association and thus link it with pleasure and thus embrace it wholeheartedly on her own. Therefore, it is my conviction that if both of you are determined you can take charge of the situation. Remember Allah helps those who are willing to help themselves.

Now coming to your thought of a second marriage, let me state emphatically that it is not a solution at all; rather it will only make things worse for both of you as well as the child involved. Furthermore, I must state clearly and unequivocally that there is no room in Islam for secret marriages; it is at once sinful and unlawful. So never even entertain such thoughts. Moreover, there is no guarantee that your problems will go away even if you were to get married to another wife. So the only solution for you is to get proper counseling and therapy; with Allah’s help, I believe you will be able to overcome your difficulties. Allah says, “Verily, with difficulty comes ease.” (Qur'an: 94: 7).

Furthermore, now that Allah has gifted you with a child you should be grateful to Him by developing a positive attitude towards your wife and being cordial and loving in the way you relate to your partner.

While seeking professional assistance, you should also reinforce the same through dhikr and du’a: I suggest that both of you read the following du’as in order to gain spiritual strength to overcome the challenges you are facing:

Allaahumma laa sahla illaa maa ja’altahu sahlan wa anta taj’alu al-hazna idhaa shi’ta sahlan
(O Allah, nothing is easy unless if You make it easy; You can make all difficult tasks easy (so make this task easy for us.”)

Hasbiya Allaahu laa ilaaha illaa huwa alayhi tawakkaltu wa huwa rabbu al-arshi al-azheem
(Allah is Sufficient for me; there is no god but He; in Him alone I place all my trust; He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne).

While reading the above du’as visualize the fact that the early Muslims, through spiritual empowerment, were able to face the most insurmountable tasks, and thus being enabled to overcome them all. You and I have the same opportunity, provided we are willing to take the necessary steps.

Finally, both of you should incorporate the following du’a as part of your daily wird (regular dosage of dhikr):

Rabbanaa hab lanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhurriyyatinaa qurrata a’yunin wa ij’alnaa li al-muttaqeena imaaman
(Our Lord, grant us true joy in our spouses and children and make us role model for those who are mindful (of You).”

I pray to Allah to grant you joy and fulfillment in your marriage-aameen.

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