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Question: Asalaam Alaikum I would like to ask you a question which is bothering me for so many months. Actually i dont have a very good relationship with my older brother. It has been years ever since we came here his thoughts completely changed and now he considers me backward. He does not like sitting or talking with me. every fight he does with me i am go and apologize that okay its my mistake and he is least bothered after two or three days he fights again(physical and abusive) so if we stay away from each other than i will safe. Even if he is guilty i am the one who takes intial steps but but he does not value that and becomes rude and insults me infront of his friends taking bad about me. It has been almost six months we have not talked and he does not care he is still the same. Inside i have forgiven what he has done with me but i also avoid to talk to him because of self respect. Please advise in the light of islam what should i do. It is said that dont hold grudges against brothers for no more than three days but i have nothing in my heart against him. He just doesnt want to be close to me. My family members know about this and my mother also knows about this. I dont want toleave her the option to choose him or me. she is showers more love towards him. he is the most respected in the family although what he does everybody is aware. so i have decided that i will have to move on with my life. Where i can hold on to my islamic values. I just seek Allah's forgiveness.

I can very well empathize with your situation. If you're sure in your mind that you have never done anything for your brother to justify his rude behavior towards you, then you need not worry about his attitude towards you. You simply need to stop letting him control your mind; and you need to tell yourself: the way he is treating me is his own problem.  I am not going to allow his rudeness to disturb my peace of mind; nor will I ever allow myself to stoop to the same low level as his in treating him. Rather, I would choose to stand on a high moral ground by following the Qur'anic ideal of meeting evil with that which is best.  If, on the other hand, you have done something wrong, then you need to ask forgiveness of him and make amends, and reconcile yourself with him.

Boycotting your brother must never an option, regardless of how bad he is treating you. Islam orders us to foster our ties of kinship, and hence, severing them is a most heinous sin. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said that fostering ties of kinship is different from reciprocating kindness with kindness; rather, it is to foster ties with those who sever them. So even if your brother is rude to you, or tries to shun you, it behooves you to foster ties with him. Once a person asked the Messenger of Allah:  I have relatives who,  no matter how well I treat them, continue to mistreat me; shall  I sever ties with them? The Prophet said, "no; you should still continue to be good to them; as for their mistreatment of you, they are inviting punishment of Allah upon them'. I also advise you to pray to Allah as follows:

Allaahumma alhminee rushdee wa qinee sharra nafsee wa yassir liya al-khayra

(O Allah, inspire me to choose what is right and protect me against the evil inclinations of my soul and facilitate good for me.)


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