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Question: Assalamu Alaikum.Dear Brother I am a 33 years old muslim woman facing very hard time in my family life and I need your help please.I am glad that I found this website where I can seek advice from scholars like you.Its a long story but I'll try to make it as short as possible.But again If I don't tell you little details you won't understand the problems as these are not considered as a major issues.We got married 9 years back within a year of our marriage my husband went abroad for higher studies leaving me back home.After 1.5 years when he came back he became suspicious I might have developed a secret relationship.It was just his idea with no base and he could not find any other single person in my life.I tried to convince him and make him understand by showing my love towards him but it didn't work that way.My parents consoled me by telling that it was the distance between you two everything will be alright once you start living together.After that we came to USA and started our life struggle together.There were few more similar incidents happened.He could not trust my own uncle leaving me alone with him or could not take it well when my little cousin brother who is 12 years younger than me touched my shoulder.At that time I realized there is something wrong with this guy and started to ignore his attitude.Now let me come to my present situation.All those past situation have changed into a new direction.He simply doesn't trust me for even a small thing in our everyday life or household things.Recently he even said that if I have been slow poisoning him by putting different spice in food.How serious allegation is that !!Now another side of his character.We are blessed with a beautiful son MashaAllah. Our son was born 3 years back.Since he is born my husband becomes paranoid for every single thing happens to the baby.Almost 2 years back my son who was only 1.5 years old cried for a simple playful hurt he got and my husband became so angry with me thinking that he got something serious and as usual it was my fault.He was giving ice pack to baby's fingers and baby was crying to come to me.When I tried to take the baby he just hit me with those hard ice packs in my forehead.It was cut badly and bleeding like crazy.I consider myself as a calm headed woman as I didn't call 911 instantly.I called my relatives they came 4 hours driving and took me with them.One of my relative who is a doctor told my husband he needs some kind of treatment otherwise it is not safe for me to stay with him.After 3 weeks he brought me back home saying that he is taking online anger management course.I don't know what he did but until today he does the same thing when something happen.I don't get trust from him moreover I don't get any respect.I have no freedom to stay with my parents or relatives.There are more issues but I don't want to bring all those here.I have asked him to go to Muslim marriage counselor or Imam of our mosque or psychiatrist(which is recommended from my doctor relative)but he doesn't want to go anywhere.He cleared it to me by saying that I'm not going to change I'll not go anywhere if you want to stay you can if you don't want to stay you can go.To be honest I'm almost done with my patience.With Allah's help I have passed these years with this guy now I have nothing left for him.Even then I want to save this marriage as I don't want my son to be deprived of his father's love.Only if he could change himself a little or try to give effort from his side.He doesn't listen to any elder person's in both family side so I want to mention there is no family member who can convince him.Its only Allah can make changes but again I know Allah helps those who helps themselves.I feel so helpless brother.Please advice me.Thanks for reading my whole story.Jazaak Allah Kayran.
Answer:

I sympathize with your situation. I pray to Allah to give you comfort and inspire you to choose the right decision. I urge you to turn to Allah in this blessed month to help your husband to recognize the need for changing his behavior.

Your husband certainly needs to change, and he urgently needs to seek professional counseling and anger management therapy. You cannot simply continue to live in an abusive relationship. Islam does not compel anyone to endure such a condition.

The change can only occur when your husband recognizes the suffering, he is causing himself and his family through his violent behavior and attitude. Only then he can be motivated from within to take the necessary steps for receiving the treatment and behavior modification therapy.

I only see two options for you, and you should practice both:

1. See if you can find anyone in the community who has earned his trust and respect to advise him of the urgent need to look for counseling and therapy. It could be an imam or an elderly relative or wise man he may regard highly.

2. Pray to Allah to change his mind and thus help him to realize his own faults and recognize the need for change.

If, God forbids, nothing works, then you may want to take the final decision. Make the decision after consulting your family.

 

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